Honest + Organic Boudoir Session

I could go on for days about sexuality, womanhood and empowerment – that sorta stuff instantly turns me into an angry ranting feminist, but I’ll try to be concise here. Exercising some journalistic principles in boudoir has been one of the biggest challenges and most eye-opening experiences of my career.  Organic boudoir doesn’t come easily. So often I’m faced with a client who says “I love your work, just don’t make me look like me”, or “don’t make me look fat”, or “can you make me look 20 pounds lighter?”, or “you’ll Photoshop me, right?”, and as a woman I absolutely understand these concerns. In fact, when I did a boudoir session with Daphne Chan last year I had the same concerns myself. I didn’t want to see or accept how many body had changed post-baby. I wanted to be desirable and sexy, yet I didn’t actually feel those things about myself.

In the past I would cater to those requests, tucking in a little chubby part here, or photoshopping out bags from under the eyes. My clients were happy, but deep down I felt like a fraud. Like I was somehow just feeding in to their own insecurities about their bodies. I felt I was essentially saying “You’re right, you’re not okay just as you are, here let me paint over the “ugly parts” in Photoshop.” I didn’t feel that way about them. In fact, half of the things they asked me to Photoshop out were things I hadn’t even noticed. A mole on their chest, a crook in their nose, the roundness of their cheeks, the length of their forehead. When I was looking at them I never saw those things, I saw the human beyond those things, and the shape of their nose was of no consequence to me. I  felt a bit stumped once I began to examine my actions. I’ve never had a boudoir client I felt was unattractive, or grotesque, or sexually repulsive, so why was I catering to insecurities rather than shooting people how they were and empowering them by standing behind my work?

I felt like if my work was more honest I could instead say “Yes, you are gorgeous enough to photograph! If I were a painter I’d paint you instead! Every curve, every stray hair, every freckle and mole is perfect and beautiful and uniquely you!”

For me, earning the trust of my clients has been a really crucial step in the whole transition. Sometimes the task of getting a stranger to trust that you think they are beautiful seems like a task that is next to impossible, especially when you consider all of the conflicting media out there telling women they are not beautiful enough. You can’t open a magazine without reading that you are not skinny enough or muscular enough, your hair is not the right colour, the right length, the right texture, you don’t look fresh enough, your legs aren’t smooth enough, your breasts aren’t big enough, or firm enough. Your hips are too flat or too wide, or too lumpy and bumpy, or covered in cellulite and you have no thigh gap. Everywhere we look we are told that we are not beautiful enough.

The most I can do is relate. Be human, and be vulnerable myself.
Of course part of me is wondering if I should wear a tank top (despite the fact that it is the most sensible outfit choice at the time) because I feel like I might offend people with my fat arms. The voice of self judgement is nothing but cruel. I worry maybe people will look at me and think I should be wearing something else. Keeping that cruel voice inside my head at bay is a continuous choice I make every day. It is a choice I make for my client’s sake, my daughter’s sake and my own sanity. I choose to believe that I am beautiful, inside and out. I choose to embrace the stretch marks on my stomach. My body carried a human being to life- it has been one of my greatest achievements, I have no reason to feel shame for it. I believe once we really begin to love and accept ourselves it becomes very easy to love and accept others.

Anyways, after a 7 month hiatus from boudoir, I decided to host another marathon in January. This time with a much more honest approach. This time letting things weave their way a little more naturally, only offering up a few posture adjustments. I gotta say, I fucking love the results.